Yikes this week has been overwhelming. I feel like the proverbial headless chicken...on crack. What's even more daunting (and discouraging if I’m not careful), is that it doesn't look like things will slow down any time soon. I am ever amazed at life's ability to become more and more stressful, and the uncanny tendency towards looking like all but what you imagined it to be.
le sigh
Through it all I am really trying to count my blessings. I mean, quite literally, I've attempted to enumerate the vast and copious way I have been blessed. As of late, when I find myself heaping the putrid, useless, dung of sorrow and misfortune onto my own head, I stop myself, and out loud begin to list everything i can think of that makes me the object of grace and mercy without measure. It has in and of itself been a blessing; it's one thing, that in a catch-22 sort of way, I am always able to count. It is so good for my heart. It helps me remember how much is NOT wrong with my life and often brings me to tears in thinking of the myriad of ways my sweet Jesus has saved me. Today it got me thinking of Deuteronomy. I began to think about the segment where Moses gives some of his final words to his people; the mantra of which is "Do not forget". I mean over and over and over again he reminds them to remember. He implores them to tell the story of what the Lord has done for them lest they forget, become faithless, confused, rudderless, and without cause. A People without vision perish. A Faith (and I do mean the proper noun that would imply myself) without vision will perish.
So in the spirit of thankfulness, here’s a list of some things (silly as some may seem) that help me smile, stand in awe and remember that only the forgetful wander.
In no particular order...
1. Music. Few things have the ability to affect me so deeply and instantly as a really, really, good song. This morning I rolled down all my windows (which is quite a task seeing as they're manual) and sang Phil Wickham loud enough to garner concerned looks from passersby, and a sore throat to boot! But it was good for my soul, and made the tacit of acceptance of having an awful day impossible. Other Artists/albums I would dare you to listen to and still have a bad day; Hjaltalín: Sleep drunk Season, any Anathallo, Mates of State...all of it, but especially Rearrange Us, Fiona Apple: Extraordinary Machine, Cory Asbury: Let Me See Your Eyes.
2. Strawberries. There's no food I love more on earth. A really, really good strawberry born out of the fading coolness of April and May is life changing.
3. My health. Despite my recent and ridiculously depressing Dentists appointment, I have what so many people pray for. Thank you Jesus.
3. My car. It has been a long disastrous road, but after almost two years with spotty to no permanent transportation, having my own car is one thing i won't soon forget to add to the list.
4. Fire Church. Though I am still working on building community there, I love, love, LOVE! my church. I have not words to express the blessing of being with such an amazing family of people.
5. I have a job. This one needs little explication in these tough economic times.
6. New Books
7. NoDa. Art galleries make me feel alive.
8. Thomas the Regent Parkway Goose. Thomas is my little feathery friend that frequents a patch of Grass by Madison Green EVERY SINGLE morning. Without fail that little guy is there every morning i drive by. In the same spot, eating grass and happy to be a bird. He makes me smile. I like him.
9. Trees...really big ones.
10. Moscato. A new favorite wine.
11. Having a Father that, when i am faithless, remains faithful.
"Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone."
-G.B. Stern
“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
-John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Nothing special.
So I haven't written in quite some time. I'm lazy really, and because of it, I'm not quite sure how long this blog will last. But its worth a try right?
The past couple of weeks have been really crazy: Quit a job, potentially starting another one, said no to graduate school, trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life, looking for an apartment (an affordable one where I won't be afraid of being shot at night; but I'm quickly coming to realize these two factors cannot peaceably coexist). I'm trying really hard to keep my head together in the midst of it all. So far so good. I mean, I know the things I think about and face day to day are the same as those almost everyone faces. I know I am not so "special" as to be the only one to deal with adversity in this life, but certainly some days it feels that way. It's like I'm having the crappiest of days, practicing breathing exercises, meditation and prayer to avoid having a panic attack, and just when I think, "Faith, it's totally not that big of a deal, everyone has their share." I log on to facebook and everyone's statuses seem to be intentionally and annoyingly optimistic. "Bob The Builder is enjoying the sunshine on a beautiful day". "Johnny Johnson has the best life ever"! "Suzy Suzalot just won a million dollars"!!!! Pictures posted of weddings, families, friends, candy and rainbows. EVERYone I talk to seems to being so great, having such fabulous circumstances. Okay, okay, so I'm being somewhat dramatic, but seriously, sometimes that's how it seems. And it's not that I am unhappy that the people near and far in my life are happy, just some days it's overkill. It's like having that one doggedly optimistic friend try to console you, continually offering bubbly bits of joyful wisdom. Part of you wants to hear them. You want to just admit they're right, and be happy-see the bright side, but the other part of you wants to punch them in the face, and just have them be sad with you. I realize that sounds kinda terrible, but don't pretend you haven't thought it before.
Anyway I'm just having to learn and re learn how to live this life; daily figuring out and changing what I'm even doing with it. It's just that sometimes the process is wearying, and I'm over it. I remember my senior year in high school, how excited I was to graduate, an become a "real person". If you had asked me then, I would have said that by now id be working some cool non-profit job with an arts organization, married to a painfully attractive man, living in Portland, or Seattle, Manhattan, Chicago, SOMEWHERE AWESOME!!!! Wow, I'm glad I didn't know how little I'd have figured out by 24. It would have just depressed sweet little 18 year old Faith. Ha. But I know the Lord is a good leader. I know that he finishes the things he starts, and that even in the midst of so much change and uncertainty that he is good, and that things are not as out of control as they often feel. Things are not as out of control as they often feel, things are not as out of control as they often feel...okay. I think I'm good.
The past couple of weeks have been really crazy: Quit a job, potentially starting another one, said no to graduate school, trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life, looking for an apartment (an affordable one where I won't be afraid of being shot at night; but I'm quickly coming to realize these two factors cannot peaceably coexist). I'm trying really hard to keep my head together in the midst of it all. So far so good. I mean, I know the things I think about and face day to day are the same as those almost everyone faces. I know I am not so "special" as to be the only one to deal with adversity in this life, but certainly some days it feels that way. It's like I'm having the crappiest of days, practicing breathing exercises, meditation and prayer to avoid having a panic attack, and just when I think, "Faith, it's totally not that big of a deal, everyone has their share." I log on to facebook and everyone's statuses seem to be intentionally and annoyingly optimistic. "Bob The Builder is enjoying the sunshine on a beautiful day". "Johnny Johnson has the best life ever"! "Suzy Suzalot just won a million dollars"!!!! Pictures posted of weddings, families, friends, candy and rainbows. EVERYone I talk to seems to being so great, having such fabulous circumstances. Okay, okay, so I'm being somewhat dramatic, but seriously, sometimes that's how it seems. And it's not that I am unhappy that the people near and far in my life are happy, just some days it's overkill. It's like having that one doggedly optimistic friend try to console you, continually offering bubbly bits of joyful wisdom. Part of you wants to hear them. You want to just admit they're right, and be happy-see the bright side, but the other part of you wants to punch them in the face, and just have them be sad with you. I realize that sounds kinda terrible, but don't pretend you haven't thought it before.
Anyway I'm just having to learn and re learn how to live this life; daily figuring out and changing what I'm even doing with it. It's just that sometimes the process is wearying, and I'm over it. I remember my senior year in high school, how excited I was to graduate, an become a "real person". If you had asked me then, I would have said that by now id be working some cool non-profit job with an arts organization, married to a painfully attractive man, living in Portland, or Seattle, Manhattan, Chicago, SOMEWHERE AWESOME!!!! Wow, I'm glad I didn't know how little I'd have figured out by 24. It would have just depressed sweet little 18 year old Faith. Ha. But I know the Lord is a good leader. I know that he finishes the things he starts, and that even in the midst of so much change and uncertainty that he is good, and that things are not as out of control as they often feel. Things are not as out of control as they often feel, things are not as out of control as they often feel...okay. I think I'm good.
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